1. Man-boobs
Sometimes they even look exactly like real boobs, but attached to a guy. It’s bizarre how something that is usually a welcome sight can be transformed into something so monstrous by virtue of its context. It’s like some kind of B-movie abomination spliced from the genes of different animals, or a bizarre disfiguring disease. Tits on a guy, robbed of the sexuality connotations that all heterosexual men place on them, are seen for exactly what they are, useless, obscene flesh-bags.
2. Smegma
The definition via britannica.com:
“Under the inner layer of foreskin there are situated a number of glands that secrete a cheeselike substance called smegma.”
If that doesn’t put off your next meal then you, sir/madam, might be better suited for a job around medical waste or rotting corpses. Would you like to see pictures? Google has some. VERY NSFW and will not be linked to here. Circumcision, contrary to recent speculation, does indeed have some value, assuming you don’t have some weird fetish for this stuff, and I will bet you that there is somebody out there who does.
3. Back Hair
While chest hair makes you attractive to some women, the back hair that almost comes with it usually cancels out that attraction. There is something that looks unhygienic about it, like the reason you grew hair there is because you don’t wash properly. There is also the fact that the guys who have it tend to be assholes. Seriously, the next time you are at the beach and notice some hairy-backed, usually bald, Armenian-looking motherfucker showing his fleece to the world, watch him, he will probably curse at his wife or his kids at some point. Assholes.
4. Public shirtlessness
In most places women are forbidden to go around tits-wild, guys on the other hand go jogging in nothing but shorts on pretty much every street in every city in America, which is just wrong. Guys who walk around in public without shirts (”public” is any non-beach, non-pool deck property that you do not own outright) are asking to have their teeth knocked in. It’s like walking around in a shirt smeared with vomit. Nobody wants to see your shit no matter how good you think it looks. Granted I do have the choice to not look, but if I don’t know you are there till you cross my line of sight my good intentions will serve no purpose. What shirtless guys need to do is avoid the lines of sight of other guys. Sometimes self-consciousness is a good thing.
5. Sweaty bastards
We are. Guys sweat a lot and stink. Whereas sweat on a woman can be cute and endearing, the cuteness and endearingness being in proportion to the attractiveness of the female, guy-sweat has all the appeal of a wet fart. There is also the fact that guys wear their sweat as a badge of honor, like the reason that their shirt is sticking to them is that they have done something difficult or important, whereas you, another guy, are just hoping that they don’t accidentally flick a drop onto you.
6. Foot odor
Possibly due, in part to #5 up there, but most likely due to poor hygiene. You nasty fucks need to wash your feet when you shower, sprinkle baking soda in your socks and wash your insoles with bleach every night, I don’t care what you do but I should not be able to smell your feet while they are still in your shoes and while we are in an air-conditioned office, ten feet apart. If you can smell any part of your body without holding your nose right up against it, there is something wrong with you, you, sir, have a problem.
7. Flatulence
Chicks fart too, of course, but they don’t like to have it pointed out, they also like to do it silently (in most cases) so as to avoid comment. Guys think ass-gas is hilarious, at least you are supposed to find it hilarious if you are a guy. Ok, I concede that sometimes it is, if you are slightly drunk and somebody is doing it uncontrollably and you can’t smell it because of the everclear fumes in the room, but how often does that happen? And it’s still gross. It’s them sharing something that has been in their intestinal tract with you, with your senses. That’s way too intimate for a non-sexual relationship.
8. Gross desires
Scat-porn, sheep-fucking, used-panty markets, guys are the market for all of those. Straight penis-vagina friction alone isn’t enough for us, it has to be modded, accessorized. All guys are perverts, that’s why every man on Earth who has a computer has at some point looked at porn, and not accidentally either, I mean actively hunted down pictures of naked people doing acts that not too long ago could only have been categorized as “unnatural”. You don’t hear about women building dungeons for harems of under-aged captives, or stealing boxers from clotheslines, just men.
9. Sprinkling on the toilet
The seat of the toilet and the rim of the bowl, the floor around the toilet, the wall behind the urinal, the outside of the urinal, shit, if you just gave most guys a simple wall to piss on they would probably hit the ceiling. I realize that a Waffle House toilet at 3am on a Sunday morning is often not the easiest thing to hit if your vision is blurred, but at least wipe it up.
10. Horniness-sharing
I realize that you want to share your sexual conquests with other guys so that we all know that you got some last night and you are, in fact, straight, but I personally don’t need to hear about “how good that pussy was”. Apart from the fact that I don’t know her if I am to mentally picture your story I have to mentally picture your dick, which is not something I want to do. Besides, telling this stuff seriously lacking in class. Not too many adults have fond memories of high-school so that anything that takes us back there makes us angry, and full of bitterness. Sharing details of your sex-life reminds me of 8th grade when it was all so novel that you needed to someone to talk to to compare notes (“my finger smelled like KFC fryer -oil!”).
Sometimes they even look exactly like real boobs, but attached to a guy. It’s bizarre how something that is usually a welcome sight can be transformed into something so monstrous by virtue of its context. It’s like some kind of B-movie abomination spliced from the genes of different animals, or a bizarre disfiguring disease. Tits on a guy, robbed of the sexuality connotations that all heterosexual men place on them, are seen for exactly what they are, useless, obscene flesh-bags.
2. Smegma
The definition via britannica.com:
“Under the inner layer of foreskin there are situated a number of glands that secrete a cheeselike substance called smegma.”
If that doesn’t put off your next meal then you, sir/madam, might be better suited for a job around medical waste or rotting corpses. Would you like to see pictures? Google has some. VERY NSFW and will not be linked to here. Circumcision, contrary to recent speculation, does indeed have some value, assuming you don’t have some weird fetish for this stuff, and I will bet you that there is somebody out there who does.
3. Back Hair
While chest hair makes you attractive to some women, the back hair that almost comes with it usually cancels out that attraction. There is something that looks unhygienic about it, like the reason you grew hair there is because you don’t wash properly. There is also the fact that the guys who have it tend to be assholes. Seriously, the next time you are at the beach and notice some hairy-backed, usually bald, Armenian-looking motherfucker showing his fleece to the world, watch him, he will probably curse at his wife or his kids at some point. Assholes.
4. Public shirtlessness
In most places women are forbidden to go around tits-wild, guys on the other hand go jogging in nothing but shorts on pretty much every street in every city in America, which is just wrong. Guys who walk around in public without shirts (”public” is any non-beach, non-pool deck property that you do not own outright) are asking to have their teeth knocked in. It’s like walking around in a shirt smeared with vomit. Nobody wants to see your shit no matter how good you think it looks. Granted I do have the choice to not look, but if I don’t know you are there till you cross my line of sight my good intentions will serve no purpose. What shirtless guys need to do is avoid the lines of sight of other guys. Sometimes self-consciousness is a good thing.
5. Sweaty bastards
We are. Guys sweat a lot and stink. Whereas sweat on a woman can be cute and endearing, the cuteness and endearingness being in proportion to the attractiveness of the female, guy-sweat has all the appeal of a wet fart. There is also the fact that guys wear their sweat as a badge of honor, like the reason that their shirt is sticking to them is that they have done something difficult or important, whereas you, another guy, are just hoping that they don’t accidentally flick a drop onto you.
6. Foot odor
Possibly due, in part to #5 up there, but most likely due to poor hygiene. You nasty fucks need to wash your feet when you shower, sprinkle baking soda in your socks and wash your insoles with bleach every night, I don’t care what you do but I should not be able to smell your feet while they are still in your shoes and while we are in an air-conditioned office, ten feet apart. If you can smell any part of your body without holding your nose right up against it, there is something wrong with you, you, sir, have a problem.
7. Flatulence
Chicks fart too, of course, but they don’t like to have it pointed out, they also like to do it silently (in most cases) so as to avoid comment. Guys think ass-gas is hilarious, at least you are supposed to find it hilarious if you are a guy. Ok, I concede that sometimes it is, if you are slightly drunk and somebody is doing it uncontrollably and you can’t smell it because of the everclear fumes in the room, but how often does that happen? And it’s still gross. It’s them sharing something that has been in their intestinal tract with you, with your senses. That’s way too intimate for a non-sexual relationship.
8. Gross desires
Scat-porn, sheep-fucking, used-panty markets, guys are the market for all of those. Straight penis-vagina friction alone isn’t enough for us, it has to be modded, accessorized. All guys are perverts, that’s why every man on Earth who has a computer has at some point looked at porn, and not accidentally either, I mean actively hunted down pictures of naked people doing acts that not too long ago could only have been categorized as “unnatural”. You don’t hear about women building dungeons for harems of under-aged captives, or stealing boxers from clotheslines, just men.
9. Sprinkling on the toilet
The seat of the toilet and the rim of the bowl, the floor around the toilet, the wall behind the urinal, the outside of the urinal, shit, if you just gave most guys a simple wall to piss on they would probably hit the ceiling. I realize that a Waffle House toilet at 3am on a Sunday morning is often not the easiest thing to hit if your vision is blurred, but at least wipe it up.
10. Horniness-sharing
I realize that you want to share your sexual conquests with other guys so that we all know that you got some last night and you are, in fact, straight, but I personally don’t need to hear about “how good that pussy was”. Apart from the fact that I don’t know her if I am to mentally picture your story I have to mentally picture your dick, which is not something I want to do. Besides, telling this stuff seriously lacking in class. Not too many adults have fond memories of high-school so that anything that takes us back there makes us angry, and full of bitterness. Sharing details of your sex-life reminds me of 8th grade when it was all so novel that you needed to someone to talk to to compare notes (“my finger smelled like KFC fryer -oil!”).
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